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Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
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9:46 pm
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this moment to the next to the next goes way, way too smoothly. and sometimes I love it because laughing is like breathing, smiling is like blinking. but then yelling is the same, saying the cruel words as they slip from my skewed head are so, so easy. and I hope, beyond all hopes, that it doesn't take a toll. that at the end of the day you can still say that I'm a good person, with no resentment or anger. I am terrified that it will be too little too late. I want to feel the moment so I am able to feel the weight of my words and the weight of my emotions.
but let me tell you reason I want to feel the difference between one moment and the next:
1. staring out on the scottish plains, covered in snow and ice. Laughing as my friends and I slip and dance on our way to the pub. the air is heavy with pine and lake. I am I happy knowing I am exactly where I want to be.
2. Ringing in the new year with my best friends in the whole world surrounding me. The smell of booze and weed and laundry and my dog and perfume. and it's wonderful to be here every year. I am happy knowing I am exactly where I want to be.
3. Waking up in the morning with Emily, her soft skin of her arms against mine, her lips kissing my back. The sun creeping through the blinds as the cold february winds howl against our new apartment. I am happy knowing exactly where I want to be.
alright, I guess I can feel those moments. now.
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| Monday, July 14th, 2008
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2:08 pm
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Things that i want in rome:
-ride/learn how to ride a vespa scooter
-have a deeper appreciation of the human creature
-See the pope
-learn to cook something for reals
-run everyday(preferably around the Vatican, that way I can literally say I ran circles around the pope)
-go out clubbing a LOT
-get my life/confidence back together
-go to a soccer game, a real european one, not one with reversable jerseys.
I know that's a long list but to be honest going to Rome is something I've been waiting for my whole life. I feel like there's some part of my soul that will be fulfilled. I feel like after this, I will be that much closer to being happy when I die.
current music: typing, phones, whispered chattering
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 20th, 2008
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11:58 pm
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there will never be the right words to write on my lj except for these:
I love.
Everything I do should be centered around loving everyone and loving myself. Nothing else.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
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4:38 pm
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How good it must feel
To be so young and free
And a song that pleases a queen
Will always please me
I have heard the wisest of wisdom
And I have dined in palaces and kingdoms
But nothing is as beautiful
As when she believes in me
Now, all of life
Is just passing the time
Until once again
Your eyes look into mine
I have been adored by a stranger
And I have heard the whispering angel
But nothing is as beautiful
As when she believes in me
current mood:  goofy in love
current music: Ben Harper-When she believes
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 12th, 2008
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12:32 pm
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Do you ever get the feeling that you're supposed to be living a different life? One that you've maybe seen in a movie? Not in that I-wish-were-an-elf-so-i-could-fight-orcs sort of way, but a slight change. For example, I've got the strangest feeling that I'm actually secretly made to attend weddings, like in the movie "Four Weddings and a funeral". But then again, maybe that's because I'm so excited about the period in our lives when we all get married, those of us who do. I really can't wait.
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| Thursday, April 10th, 2008
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9:36 am
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I'd like to clarify my last entry. I don't love you all any less. That should be obvious, and I also know you all don't love me any less. What I meant was that I can't continue to live my life around the two hills and the memories that surrounded the few square miles of Oakland/Berkeley. Maybe one day I'll move back there for good and I'll be able to build a permanent home, but for now, as with all of us, we belong to ourselves. To our own lives. And that's good! We want a few good stories to tell when we're old...
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
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12:10 pm
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My life belonged to you. Everyone one of you. The people who have been at my side for years, my family and friends. But gradually as my world shifts to a place so far from home I can't say anymore that my life belongs to anyone else. And gradually I find myself belonging more to me. Looking back as recently as last year when my skies were white, my trees were constantly green, and everywhere I saw water, I was a subject to my love of all of you. My life was defined by everyone else, my support.
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| Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
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6:08 pm
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I am PALE. like...really pale. I'm in the library right now looking down at my sunless body and I'm just craving the warm sun(ummm just to clarify that means my arms. I'm not sitting in the library looking at my *body*). that sounds so hokey...but there's a different between skin that is usually tan but is now not and skin that is usually pale. i.e. I look like a dead person. and I have bad tan lines.
by the way. I enjoy writing in my lj but it's sad cause no one reads it...
ooo I've got an idea! I'll tag!
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 24th, 2008
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12:43 am
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Well... you didn't wake up this morning
Because you didn't go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes
Turn red
The calendar, on your wall, is ticking the days off
The calendar on your wall is ticking
the days off
You've been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you've changed
All the money in the world
Couldn't bring back those days.
You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes,
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.
THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.
THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.
You could've done anything -- if you'd wanted
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky.
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like
Glue
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
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7:02 pm
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rugby really fucks with you.
last semester I was almost slap happy with the new people and parties. It seemed like I was really alive, like there was a life I had only touched on before that I was now fully swimming in. This semester however I'm taking things seriously. I'm concentrating fully on my grades, my girl, and my control of a previously untamed life plan. The past month it has been relatively easy to do this but now rugby has started again. And today I felt the temptation. It's a slippery slope if I get pulled back into it. and I don't know if you've figured it out by now, but I have the hardest time balancing my life. so...I really don't know what to do.
On another note I just downloaded some Disney music that has Walt Disney introducing Fantasyland before it goes into sort of like background music when you go into Disneyland. This is his introduction:
"Fantasyland is the world of imagination, hopes, and dreams. It is dedicated to the young and the young at heart. To those that believe when you wish upon a star your dreams come true."
Hey. Don't make fun of me. I'm one of those people. I know that when I'm 80 I'll be going to disneyland with my grandkids, taking in the ancient imagination, and allowing myself to fall into fantasy that for the past few years has been occupied with girls. A little part of everyone can appreciate Disney, so do me a favor and take some Disneytime as soon as you can. It makes life seem in Technicolor.
oh, excuse me, the Tarzan soundtrack just came on. oh Phil Collins...*sigh*
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 12th, 2008
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7:44 am
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I love my home. I love my friends and my family and my dog and my bed and my cities. I loved visiting my high school where the young sweat made me feel sticky. Where I was good and confident about everything I did here because I've done it thousands of times.
But I cannot cling onto the comforts of home. For once I have a life where I'm going back to, though it might be crazy and painful in a way being home hardly ever is. I must go back. I crave a life there, not stagnant nor comfortable, but passionate and driven. I have a gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, fun, and beautiful life waiting for me. But-Good bye Bay area. like a yo-yo I'll always come back to the hand that threw me.
"we won't break, we won't die, it's just a moment of change. All we are, all we are is everything that's right."
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| Saturday, December 22nd, 2007
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9:09 pm
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Livejournal was once used for drama. Sometimes we used it as a way to get things out of our system, to show off to our friends either in the events of our lives or how well we could write. Even though now our ljs are sort of pointless I find it so odd that there is a record of the most ridiculous, hilarious, intelligent emotions and thoughts of our high school and middle school on the web right now. We have pages and pages of writing...though we ignore it now in 20 years it'll be gold to us.
I thank God I was so lovestruck to start this thing....
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 20th, 2007
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7:03 pm
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Prince is the man. He is pure sex. funny that there are people out there that are pure sex. People try so hard to be them but in the end they end up failing and looking stupid. I think it's that people find that they do embarressing just by living. but what I think is that the sexy people do embarressing stuff but they embrace it...I'm not saying that I do that, in fact I'm pretty sure that I do a shitload of stupid shit and try to hide it. I'm pretty sure I fell like at least 4 times and NO BODY KNEW. I'm so good at not being sexy, I'm hoping I'll circle around...
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12:14 pm
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For every bit of me, every bit of you.
rugrats
fountains
cheese
airplanes
getting fat=torn off face
every day.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 6th, 2007
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2:22 am
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Tonight I went for a run, watched too much tv, and CONTEMPLATED reading fanfic. it's not good. I'm not in a good place guys. And for the first few hours of melting my brain I had no idea why. But then I remembered, well, it just came to the front of my mind: you've got a FUCKLOAD to worry about. The kind of worry that comes from an imminent threat that there could be an incident, an incident of my doing, that could send me into my black hole.
I don't know if I've ever told you guys about my black hole. I know at least one of you has witnessed it. "Ally's black hole" is a term my mother gave to the state I get in when I think the world is falling down around me. I'd say it's happened around five times in my life but I only remember a few, and from those memories I can see why I chose to forget them. I remember when I fucked up in 4th grade and they contemplated making me leave the school...I hid in my room for a day chewing on bunny's ear. The most recent was when I learned I wouldn't be getting into Fordham. I won't go into details, but it wasn't pretty in the slightest.
The bottom line is guys that there is a chance that next fall I will not get the chance to study abroad. There's a chance that a huge thing in my life right now will become extremely unpleasant for a total of 6 months. That I'll see all of you go off to the wonders of foreign countries and I'll have that horrible, all too familiar feeling of being left behind...
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
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3:29 am - My Sound
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This is one of those nights where I remember what it was like to stare out onto the Sound late at night, my feet digging in the course sand, surrounded by redwoods and the sound of gentle water and barges. It's hard for me to realize that that feeling, that almost triumphant feeling of finding peace for a moment in an uncertain and tumultuous situation on the Puget Sound, will never be felt by me again.
Guys, I spent a year there. Probably the most difficult and life changing year of my life. And I'll never really be able to go back except for a few days where I'll sleep on someone's floor and see an imitation of a place that was my home for 9 months.
Now, don't get me wrong, I do not regret coming to D.C., not in the slightest. It was seriously the best thing that could have happened to me in the long run. But I'm not talking about the long run. I'm thinking of that one moment that I miss so, so much. There is so much beauty out here, in the people and places. But it is different.
The northwest, and I'm sure Mimi can vouch for me, is not just a place. It is a way of life. It consists of fog moving through the pine and redwoods, dampness that never leaves your body, thick green everywhere, coffee, fire, rivers, rocks, and lovely people that don't hesitate to put warmth in your day. And though that might not seem too different considering we live in the Bay Area where there's access to places like that it's different when you live there, when you're constantly surrounded by it and you wake up to a mountain the size of everest out your window.
I can't think of any place that I'll ever feel this much remorse about because there's no place I loved so much that I will leave and know life goes on exactly the same without me.
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| Friday, November 23rd, 2007
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5:55 pm - Ready, Set, Go
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"Tonight's the night I shed my wicked soul. Take it out on you and watch you lose control"
Guys, I'm ready to go. Do you ever feel like you can take on anything? and not because you have people you can rely on(even though I do) or enough love to get you through anything(even though I do) but because you, as an individual are strong enough? It's a pretty good feeling. Even with all those insecurities in the back of my head, I can make them shut up long enough to get something done! to continue my life and push it toward the better as much as I can!
oh, and you know what? i wish I had more trophies. Do you realize how many sports I've played? 5 years of karate and hockey and nothing! I have 2 trophies from golf which I played for years, one softball trophy and a plaque, and 3 soccer trophies! My parents cleaned my room like whoa and the amount of trophies is just dismal compared to how much I've played. and I know it's superficial and stupid but come on! my brother got a trophy every WEEKEND for debate! soooo lame. Sure, it's supposed to be about the character you build from playing a sport but pleaasssseee, every one likes a piece of plastic to represent months of hard work.
oh, and I'm starting a "professional" blog. my class has convinced me that it's a good idea. try to find it! it's really boring...
current music: Ghostwriter-RjD2
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| Friday, November 16th, 2007
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1:33 am
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Why can I never see the big picture? Why am I always so passionate in the moment? I assume that it's part of being young and it'll change as I grow older but I'm tired of being so stupid. And you might say I'll learn my lesson now that I see the problem but I won't because I've seen it before and it still hasn't changed. I'm really sorry for being aggressive. I'm sorry for being passionate. I'm sorry for being caught up in one thought.
I'm sorry that I can't help but beat myself up. what a miserable early morning this has been...
current mood:  angry
current music: Another lonely day-Ben Harper
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
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2:27 am
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It burns doesn't it? yeah...that's how I feel when I think about the places and people of my life. a burning. I'm not sure how many of you will appreciate this metaphor, but when I think about driving past the places that mean something it's like that place is a bit brighter than all the other places around it, almost like you're in a video game and all the places you've already been have been lit up so you know what parts you've never explored. It's brighter, it's burning. I guess it's that I'm coming home in a week and I'm just realizing now how much I've forgotten about that burning. I've forgotten what it's like to be home. I read this novel about a boy who the thing he knew about his father was that he did radio DJing so he set up a station and his father heard and called him up and said "I heard you on the radio...I heard your chair scrape against the floor when you got up. You're real." Earlier I was talking to my mom and I heard my puppy bark and my mom said "oh that's just Takota barking at Babs". And I was home. It's real.
I need to remind myself again that home still exists, no matter how comfortable I get here. I've never encountered this problem since I never allowed myself to leave home last year...not emotionally at least.
current music: She's only happy in the sun-Ben Harper
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| Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
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1:51 am
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Much to the dismay of a certain someone I've recently downloaded the entirety of N'Sync's first album. Who DOESN'T love their albums from fifth grade, eh? Boy bands especially are amazing for that realization that the song playing on your laptop is your actual inner soundtrack because you know all the words and it says all the corny things that you wouldn't dare say, especially in rhyme. "your love is like a river, peaceful and deep. Your soul like a secret I never could keep." I mean...COME ON. it's amazing.
Hey guys, do me a favor, ok? don't let me become a loser. Light a fire under me, is that doable? Thanks.
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